dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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