We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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