You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
