Dude my mom stole all your condoms
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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