Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I supernannyed him into submission
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