The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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