On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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