my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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