Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
