stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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