no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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