4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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