so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
