it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
tell me about the fingering
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
