he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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