Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I skipped work to stalk him.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
