So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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