the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
