awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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