We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
