oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
