i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
