the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
