yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
