I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
