I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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