If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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