He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
