My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
