EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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