you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
