I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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