My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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