I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
