just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
