first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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