I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I am one with the molecules
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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