My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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