I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
