Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
