Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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