Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
