Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
