I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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