He kissed a someone with a penis
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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