Umm I'm too high to move.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
