Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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