I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
