My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
