soooo we both peed the bed last night...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
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Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
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Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My dick has a subreddit
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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