My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
