please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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