...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
