Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
