your parents love me but you hate me
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Please don't give away my fajitas
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
